A Little Pickle goes a Long Way

I have to say, if you all saw my last post, "The Electrified Pickle"( http://www.atheisttoolbox.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=7659), I'd have to say that I am really, truly impressed. So I decided to try the experiment myself.
I made sure that my pickle was long and hard. Then I attached a live wire to my pickle and WHAM! Boy did I get a shock. When I woke up, my pickle was gone.
Now it's true that electrifying your pickle is a lot like christianity. The bumps on your pickle will turn smoky and black, and will smell vaguely of fried tuna. I have smelled tuna frequently in church, especially standing next to Aunt Martha. I assumed she must've eaten it for lunch, but her breath ALWAYS smells like tuna. So does her roomate, Tina.
I tried desperately to buy a new pickle, but for some idiotic reason the clerk called me a pervert and threw me out! How rude.
And I really like pickles! I once told a friend of mine how much I admired his pickle, and for some weird reason he tried to kiss me! I mean talk about being grateful for a compliment...all I asked him to do was put it on my hamburger! SHEESH.
I asked my pastor about this. He told me that he really liked my pickle too, but I think the guy was a little off. He hadn't even seen my pickle! What are these guys, psychic?
I'm going home today, eat lunch and retire my pickle. It always ends up in places that it shouldn't be, and frankly the smell makes my eyes water.

The Electric Pickle

It's scarier than you think...apparently Jesus is like a Giant Electrified Pickle
http://www.atheisttoolbox.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=7659

Dreaming

One day, half asleep, I was thinking, "Hey, those Christians might be right...what in the world could we possibly have in common with the monkeys?" The TV was on and the newscaster went on indefinitely about the several wars all going on simultaneously, fighting for each others resources, or trying to prove who's the bigger foe or who had the bigger gonads. I gave up and flipped the channel.
HBO had a movie running, so I decided to watch it. On the screen a couple and 5 others lay copulating with each other! UGH! Damned animals! I changed the channel. I decided that I'd get a snack, so I grabbed a banana and some water.
On Discovery Channel I watched a program talking about how the Gulf of Mexico was once the sight of an asteroid impact so many odd millions of years ago. I marveled that as a child I loved drawing maps and remember specifically that part of the ocean almost drawing a half circle. But then I thought, no that cant be! The Earth is only 6,000 years old, and surely if that had happened it would have ended the human species! I just put it out of my mind and changed the channel.
My wife and I decided it was time for bed. She was feeling randy that night and asked me if I would try something different and I said sure. "You want me to put that where?!" I asked incredulously. "I'm sorry, but I'm not gay!" I shouted, and we both went to bed disappointed.
I like being a christian. It makes me feel whole and fulfilled.

Then, thankfully, I woke up. What a fucking nightmare!

The Cosmic Campfire

While watching Nova Science Now one evening (about an artist who was also a scientist) the narrator marveled at the fact that the featured person could be so good in two completely separate fields of study. The truth is, they are practically one in the same discipline.
Why is water in a pond so dark and so light at the same time? Because its transparent (allowing the viewer to see through to the bottom) while compact and fluid enough to reflect the light from above.
These descriptions of water reveal something about the scientist and the artist...both are disciplines of observation. It is the why and how of matter's place in our realm that fascinates us both. Upon observation, it is obvious to those of like minds that religion really was an early form of questioning the hows of our observable surroundings. When ready answers were not available in pre-historic times, man sought to answer the question by projecting himself onto the surroundings he could not understand. I made a fire by rubbing two sticks together, and yet I saw fire one day when a bolt from the sky lit the grass on fire. It must be the gods building a cosmic campfire.
An artist paints a canvas in the same way nature does. When an artist lays down a dark color, he (or she) are not painting, they are using a ground up material that limits the amount of light that your eye receives. By building up lighter and more solid layers, the paint itself retains more gravity, becomes weighty and reflects more light exactly the way nature does.
Observation is at the heart of Atheism. An atheist does not necessarily WANT to believe there is no god, he sees no observational or scientific evidence of it being real. And when preachers claim to heal people who then go home and need hospitalization because they stopped treating their illness, their lies are literally criminal.
If the government told you that a large part of your taxes was going to feed the hungry, and you found out some senator was really pocketing the money, he'd be prosecuted. Yet preachers live in multi-million dollar homes all on the promise that if their 5,000 member congregation will just give 10% of their income, the miracles will be a-plenty and just around the corner.
What a pack of lies. Preachers probably need their huge homes in order to feel good about themselves. Because looking in the mirror sure isn't working.

Is that a carrot in your pocket?...

I once too thought like these dirty atheists. Then Jesus showed me the way. He took me gently by the hand and held me in his firm embrace. After a few snuggly kisses, I asked Jesus, “Hey, is that a carrot in your pocket, or are you happy to see me? He told me, “No, my son, God loves ALL the little children.” And I asked, “Really? How much do you love them, Jesus?” And Jesus said, “As long and as hard as my wood is wide”…
“You mean like the trees in the forest?” And he said, “No, not really.” And with that he left, His hands folded in front of Him, a slight limp in His walk.

Jesus Now On Sale

Has anyone ever really thought of how amazing it is that when you look up in the night sky, you are not seeing the universe as it is, but how it once was? You are LITERALLY looking back in time. It takes so long for the light from most stars to reach us that by the time it gets to us and we see it, its star may have already gone supernova, exploded and formed a Black Hole.

Miracles of the natural variety are already all around us....I don't need some cheap, dime store preacher to tell me miracles happen. The miracle is that we are here at all...it's a shame that the religious have to cheapen the experience.
It is an insult to our character to believe such nonsense. What is even more absurd is that people of "faith" literally believe that a god, while busy running the entire universe, would come calling at a Christian's whim to dole out favors like some galactic mafia don. Hey, he'll give you favors, but don't betray the family, or your ass will burn in hell forever. Wouldn't a merciful god just eliminate the sinners completely, with no hint of them ever having been here? Of course, if he did that then the church would have no leverage with its congregation and they'd stop shelling out the big bucks. Apparently, in god's world salvation is literally for sale.